can it really be?

(this is totally long-winded and rambling and you might not want to read it...)

my dear dear sweet firstborn precious hazel starts kindergarten on monday! it is so cliche', but i am finding myself quite devastated. i cried all morning today. how can it be? it feels as though my time with her is over. (partly why i started crying was from reading my dear friend, rachel's writing about it here.)

and i realized i have a lot of guilt around motherhood. (does every mother?) i feel like i started this business, just over two years ago, so that i could make a living doing what i love and be at home with my girls. and i have done both. but have i been the best mother i could be while running said business? would they have been better off with a mother who worked outside of the home and then gave them her full attention when she was home? has it been harder for them to have me at home, but not 100% available to them? i just don't know...

what i do know is that everyone says that once they start kindergarten, they are graduating from high school. and i know this must be the truth because i simply cannot believe how fast these first five years have gone. so, without going in to too much detail, i am changing things around a bit. (this might be waaaaayyy too much information; feel free to skip or skim.) earlier this summer, against my better judgement, i let hazel convince me that she should go to FULL-DAY kindergarten. five days a week, seven hours a day. (she's just barely five; that seems crazy!) and so we developed a plan where hazel would go five full-days and june would go to her day care two full days and then since glenn has fridays off and could be with june, i would have three solid days a week to work. this would mean that weekends could once again be free for family time. that is how i decided that full-days were okay.

but now that it is here, it seems i need to shift my priorities around a bit. i have spent the last two years working really hard, probably harder than i have ever worked in my life, on silver sparrow designs. perhaps to the detriment of other areas of my life. and i have made the decision now to shift that focus for the next year. it kind of seems like the last year that i really have to be with hazel, and even june; she will start pre-school next year. so, the new plan is that hazel will go five half-days. june will go two full-days. this means that i will have two mornings a week to work, plus fridays. weekends will still be for family time, with the occasional sunday to work. it also means that i will have two mornings a week with just junebug, and two afternoons a week with just hazel. this seems priceless to me. hazel has the next 12 years to go to school full days. i have the rest of my life to work. i have made a vow, both to myself and silently to my girls, that for this school year, i will work less and mother more.

so hazel and i talked (glenn said he supported whatever we decided) and at first she was pretty adamant about full days, because that's what most of the other kids are doing, and they do p.e., art, etc. in the afternoons. but when i told her about the afternoons and promised her that two days a week we would get time together, just the two of us, she immediately changed her mind. so now, for the first time in a while, my mind is a bit at ease about the whole situation. i know i will be a basket case on monday when i drop her off, but at least it will only be for 4 hours instead of 7.

do you have any kindergarten feelings/stories to share? (and do you think i am crazy?)